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Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
11:11 pm - Just a moment.
You seem to be lost. I believe you're looking for this joint, housing the most unnecessary assorted bullshit known to man, juxtaposed by some of the most poignant.

What a statement.

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Friday, November 17th, 2006
12:51 pm - Shameful Advance Retreat
A handful of days past, I relinquished my pride so-as to hell of speedway out of a computer lab due to my downside eruption of a most foul fart that undoubtedly caused an equally foul reaction from the random female parked next to me. Her knowledge of my accurate guilt is undeniable. But damn man her awkward blank stare masking her obvious concentration on my worthlessness is much better to think about when it's not burning an additional hole in the 180 of my neck. And then there's the natural question of how phenomenal it would be if I slipped a shitgas out of my glare-sprouted neckhole.

Oh God man why do my farts remind passerby of the burning Holocaust piles they've only but read about.

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Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
6:50 pm - O.J. Simpson; a Study, a Comparison.

O.J. Simpson, alleged decapitator.


Dorian Tyrell, a.k.a. "The [Foe-]Mask", bullet vomitor.

Note the striking similarities; the accentuated features of the latter, masked individual being a self-parody of the former. Let the green face do all but thwart your mind and give the finger to your soul, the bodies are one in the same.

In essence, these photographs ask of all individuals to question who we all are, who we all will become, and whether or not a black man can really stand a pony-tailed Italian nailing a teed golf ball with a nine-iron a total of 269 yards, according to a woman's voice on a computerized golf simulator.

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Sunday, November 5th, 2006
12:38 am - A Story Never To Be Finished
This is the contents of a file on my desktop, wherein lies the beginnings of a that which will never be completed, for reasons obvious and unquestionably likewise.
Young, freshly-intrepid Tobias meandered into the kitchen with the determination much the same as a grandfather clock's to annoy the shit out of your houseguests at the stroke of midnight. In his left hand was an item most hidden, to be revealed at the most beneficial moment in time.

He spoke to his father for the first time as he believed a man would, ripe with demeanor and candidness, albeit sounding like a saucy tramp, as he had failed to succumb to puberty for what he would later describe to his first girlfriend and grope-partner as "the seventh in a long line of soprano years".

He announced loudly to his father, proudly, and with pectoral thrustingness, "I have made horror in your cabinet of tinycars."

Young Tobias then revealed the contents of his left hand to be a sliver of feces, most foul. The methane snake was worthy of no man's anus, lest it be the anus of a man whose sole diet contained the excrement of his own anus and nothing more, except the occasional drink, coincidentally from the same flowing source.

His father later described the following scene as "revealing, for the first time, that Hammurabi never anticipated shitting on your kid's complete collection of McDonald's Batman Forever Glass Mugs as a fulfillment of his code."
The file was called "poop.txt". In the spirit of its name, it's been sent to the Recycle Bin, where it was shortly-thereafter emptied.

I had made horror on my desktop. Thank you for allowing me to wipe my ass of it.

And likewise, in the spirit of Hammurabi, I invite you to make horror on this post. But not in the same manner as young Tobias; it is hard to type a comment when your hands are covered in your own shit.

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Friday, November 3rd, 2006
4:24 pm - Early Memories
I am convinced the earliest memories anyone has is after or during the time in one's life when the ability to not crap one's pants is ascertained and fundamentally mastered.

For example, my earliest memory is my father pissing into the toilet and announcing, "Doesn't that sound awesome?"

My answer involved a gleeful nod, the first in a series of uncomfortable pants-removals, and forceful rummaging.

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Monday, July 17th, 2006
1:20 pm - Oh shit, I have a livejournal?
I should probably remember to tell you all that I forget to update this thing.

So here is a list of shit I do update. Or at least update more frequently.

lardpirates.com
lpnet
the poopdeck - community drawings (swabs), usually offensive and completely random
the thing - community articles (spanks), usually offensive and completely random

my own personal
blog
shitty music
poopdeck swabs - the thing spanks
the thing short stories

unnecessary internet communities
facebook
myspace
last.fm

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Friday, November 25th, 2005
11:30 am - THIS BE AN IMPARRTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

DEAD MAN'S CHEST
TRAILER


Captain Jack is back, bitches.

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Monday, October 10th, 2005
3:15 pm - NEWS FLASH!!
World hunger was solved today when a giant fat man exploded in the middle of New York City. Scientists say that the entire population of the world can live off the deceased man's fat for the next three thousand years. Osama bin Laden was found to have been living in the man's stomach, and is now in custody and covered in bile.

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Sunday, October 9th, 2005
12:29 pm - Tales from College - Episode 6
A few days ago, when no one was looking, I streaked through a local school for the blind. Well, everyone was looking, but nobody saw me. So, it didn't really pay off the way I'd hoped, but sometimes you have to cut your losses. Nevermind, forget that. Never cut anything while you're streaking. You'd go nuts handling those losses.

current mood: ecstatic

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Thursday, October 6th, 2005
6:49 pm - PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: RUSSELL CROW HAS MAILED HIS OWN FACE TO A LOTTERY WINNER IN SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS. THIS IS NOT SO MUCH AN INFORMATIVE ANNOUNCEMENT AS IT IS A SEVERE WARNING: COMING IN DIRECT CONTACT WITH SAID FACE COULD RESULT IN MILD HERNIAS AND A NEW TYPE OF CANCER CALLED "BREATH CANCER" WHERE EVERY TIME YOU BREATH, YOU GET MORE CANCER. AVOID RUSSELL CROW'S DETACHED, MAILED FACE AT ALL COSTS!

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Wednesday, October 5th, 2005
12:31 pm - Tales from College - Episode 5
I joined the improv club here at UNT, and we've been doing some public improv outside of the pretty populated Student Union. Upon deciding to play the Game Show game, a man who will here-after be referred to as "Jimmy Smartass" proposed that the game show should be called "Spin and Fall Down."

My ass has now signed a formal request in triplicate to secede from the union of my lower back and upper thighs.

Jimmy Smartass's ass really is smart for not joining us in that fucking game.

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Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
12:06 pm - Tales from College - Episode 4
I went to the library yesterday to study. I got through about a fourth of the books. If I keep up at this pace, I should be done within probably the next three or four nights.

I'm not looking forward to the Reference section. That will be a little tedious and repetitive.

And the foreign section is going to be hell. I hope the library has books on teaching yourself foreign languages. I'll make sure to read those first.

It's hard work studying everything ever.

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Monday, October 3rd, 2005
9:07 am - Tales from College - Episode 3
I'm convinced my Economics professor is an idiot. I mean, she's an Economics professor. You'd think that Econ teachers would be the first to realize that being any sort of teacher at all is a horrible idea, economically.

Based on that assumption, anyone who teaches Economics isn't qualified to do so.

Because any qualified Econ professor is smart enough to not teach it.

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Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
3:47 pm - Tales from College - Episode 2
For the longest time I thought the guy sitting in front of me was some sort of well-mannered super-baby. He wore Hollister clothes, had intelligent conversation about the nature of quantum gravity, and grew a two-inch beard. I was in awe of this magnificent, amazing, prebuescent genius sitting before me, mere months out of the womb of one very proud mother.

Then I found out he's just a little person.

Good thing I found out; I was going to give him a teething ring as a gift. You know, so I could tell people I'm friends with a super-baby.

I can see how such a gift would have been insulting.

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Friday, September 30th, 2005
12:24 pm - College.
My friend and I took an Apathy class at UNT. My friend showed up for class the first day, so the professor failed him. My friend says, "If you were really an Apathy professor, you wouldn't even care enough to go through with flunking me."

...there's more to that story, but I don't care enough to finish it.

As you can see, I got an A in Apathy class.

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Monday, November 8th, 2004
1:16 am
Alright, doodles, it's that time again: I'm shooting to get some pictures on Jones Soda bottles; the only reason that Canada is still around today.

Here are the links to my 5 latest additions, or attempts:

Ukulele insanity.
Ukulele insanity, again.
Dandy nearly dead.
Trophy shot dead.
Pharaoh Vinic.

Vote all 10s and maybe we'll see some of these sexy shots on soda near you!

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Friday, November 5th, 2004
6:07 pm - WEEEEOOOOOOEEEEE!!!!
Hello fatbags. Been a while. So here's a bullshit post with a ton of random links. HOORJ!!~


I'm not a badass.
RRGLE.
I just play one on TV.



current mood: give it to me, lance

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Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
5:15 pm
My Best Friend is bombaycake
Our 10 common interests are: 80s music, anime, cartoons, johnny depp, karaoke, music, pirates, sleeping, video games, writing
Who is your best friend?
Username:
Created by macoto


Kickass.

current mood: ecstatic

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Monday, September 6th, 2004
2:12 pm
Today started off bittersweet. I had dreams about zombies, and the killing of zombies with guns, and it was awesome. I was a pretty good shot.

See, here's what went down. The dream starts off with me in a white bed in the middle of a white room, and Sean Penn is walking around, being certifiable, as usual. He tells me shut up, because he works in silence. I don't know what's going on. Suddenly, the door busts open, and this 6'5" zombie dude walks in and starts acting like he wants to eat our faces, and Sean Penn proceeds to dance around, shooting his guns, saying things like, "I got him!" and "You're mine, scarface!"

I then proceed to remove a pistol from under my pillow and do a barrel roll off the bed while I fire a quick shot into the zombie's head, and spin under the mattress, on my stomache. Another zombie enters the room through the closet, and I shoot out its legs from under the bed, and roll out to find Sean Penn yelling at me for killstealing, and he runs off telling me to shut the fuck up because he can only do his job in silence.

Then I unload into the gimp zombie's skull.

I walk around this mansion for a while, which is less scary than the Resident Evil mansion, and more sexy. I end up in a large pizza/bowling place, and I kill things and act totally badass. Long story short, I save a girl's life and then I wake up.

My fucking allergies are acting up, so I wake up feeling like shit. But I don't care, because I get to see Gin today.

I took a shower and wasted 4 hours surfing the net and waiting for Gin to call about the lunch plans. Finally I just decide to drive around, and give her a call. The plans fell through, and she's not able to get out today. Dammit.

So now I sit here at home getting gradually sicker, wondering what the hell to do for the rest of today. I feel like shooting zombies in the face, but I don't have any guns, and the nearest zombies are a couple hours away. I got Creative Writing homework to do, but I don't feel like writing hilarious things. I feel like talking to Jenn.

I'd write a song, but because of my allergies, I sound like Kermit the Frog eating hair.

So if anyone has any ideas, I'm all ears.


EDIT: I'm watching ALIENS with Caio. LET'S ROCK!

current mood: disappointed

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Sunday, August 29th, 2004
1:40 pm - Shawn + Boredom + Ukulele = ...
INSANITY MUSIC:

http://music.lardpirates.com/

WHOA NO!

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